Song of Solomon when the kids are small


Behold, you are beautiful, my love

behold, you are beautiful!

your eyes are glazed with sleep deprivation

behind your veil

Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead

if the goats have not seen the business end of a bottle of Pantene in four days

Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes

that you’ve been meaning to use Whitestrips on since Christmas when you asked for them in your stocking and then bought them for your own stocking

but the flock of shorn ewes

has all born twins

meaning my darling that you still have all your teeth

Your lips are like scarlet thread

your mouth is lovely

even when you’re crying because somebody pooped on the front porch

Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil

or maybe like two halves of an orange

oranges also have largish pores and plenty of natural moisture

The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon

More specifically the Aldi in Lebanon

More specifically the frozen pizza from the Aldi in Lebanon

Your lips drip nectar, my bride;

honey and milk are under your tongue

also the remnants of those few leftover raisins that they didn’t want that you weren’t going to waste

Your neck is like the tower of David

built in rows of stone and swift hormonal change

Your two breasts are like two baby possums

hanging upside down and for dear life but still somehow cheerful

You are altogether beautiful my love;

there is no flaw in you.

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